Reader Reviews

Superman 64 (N64)

by Kami

There are a few games in existence today that redefine the word "Awful". From Rise of the Robots 2 to T3, these games are just something else. It takes a sick, twisted and worryingly disturbed mind to create something so bad.

Superman 64 is one such game.

Recently, I picked it up for 50p at a car boot sale. Me and my brother thought it'd be a HUGE laugh to relive those memories of it being crap and have a laugh at it. It was only on for ten minutes before we realised this game was not awful in a funny way. It was just plain awful.

Plotwise, on paper, it doesn't SEEM too bad. Lex Luther has sent some of Superman's friends into a virtual world and it's up to Superman to find them, solve Lex Luther's puzzles and kick his backside. Thing is, you don't kick Luther's backside. It's Titus. And thats not the only thing that doesn't make a huge amount of sense.

Graphics-wise, this game is not even laughable. I'm not a great 3D modeller, but I can do a damn better job than this - it's just a lot of boxes that make up what looks like a character (Just be thankful that getting close-ups in this game is rare - facial details look like they've smashed the characters face in with a baseball bat, then taken a chainsaw and done a spot of unorthodox plastic surgery). The levels are barren and devoid of detail, the slow and often sluggish action just grates, and the distance pops up at an alarming rate and often you'll find yourself flying into something that wasn't there a second or so ago. Frame rate is I'm sure about 20 FPS or less, though I'm sure Tom will correct me [if you think I'm digging out and subjecting myself to Superman 64 to fact-check that, you're mistaken! -Tom] - it's just awful.

Surely the gameplay is redeeming? Umm... well. You fly through rings. Over.. and over... and over... and over... with the occasional beating up of some person or stupid task trying to break the boredom. Sadly, it doesn't work. Playing this game for 10 minutes seemed like hours... it's slow. Painful. Dire. This game will give you nightmares.

Surely, of all things, the controls must be SOME good? Nope. Actually, this is like driving a car with no tyres. There's no control at all, it's slow and sluggish throughout. It's a disaster of universe-imploding proportions as you start crying. Blubbering like a wreck, begging for mercy. "No more!" You'll cry. "I'll be a good boy from now on! Just please... no more!"

The soundtrack is about 30-40 seconds worth of clearly ***** midi looped over and over and over... it grates your eardrums. The sound is the equivalent to having an electric drill shoved into your eardrums. It's painful, tortuous and you'll quickly find you need medical assistance or you may go deaf.

Superman 64 defines torture. Not the fun type either. The type you inflict on others to get sick enjoyment. Only you're the victim and Titus was clearly laughing behind the scenes. This game defines terrible in a whole new way. Crucifixion, disembowelment, water chambers, hanging, being locked in a small 6x8 cell with Rosie O'Donnell singing at the top of her voice. All are preferable to any length of time with this game.

This is the kind of game the Chinese could have used a while back for their brainwashing techniques. Their victims would have literally had any trace of memory or sanity left in their corrupted, empty and barren minds. This is the kind of game an evil overlord would make his soldiers play - it would drive them insane and to a point where all they would want to do is make the world suffer for such a hideous abomination. In short, this is a game which will only make you a bitter, twisted and sick mass-murderer. It will convince you that mankind must pay for their crimes.

There is nothing redeeming about this game. Nothing. Even the sticker on the cartridge is terrible. Falling through walls, freezing, game glitches and often extremely frustrating graphical glitches - they just mount up to a game which has nothing to offer except torture, pain, misery and suffering.

In short, don't ever buy this game. Not for 50p. Not for free. Nothing. Just stay well clear and save your sanity and peace of mind. Actually, I've surprised myself this review is so clean! There's a million words to describe Superman 64. And most of them would be censored.