Skip to main content

magreviewdraft1.doc

Lost Humanity 14.

PROPOSED SCRIPT FOR GAMES MAGAZINE REVIEW ROUND-UP - FIRST DRAFT

Hey! Good afternoon. It's beautiful to see you all, thanks for coming to read our magazine. What a beautiful audience! Man... so nice to see you here.

Wow, so Tokyo Jungle is here. Have you heard about this thing? It's a game where you control animals. Listen, if it's a game where an ape can take control of a city, why didn't they just name it Boris Johnson Simulator 2012? Apparently, in the game, you can dress your animal in some of the most ridiculous hats and clothes. And then, I expect, send it to work in new media somewhere in Shoreditch.

Are there any cougars in this game? If we find out we could do some kind of "MILF" gag around that. I'll check.

There will be midnight openings at game stores across the nation this week for the release of the new FIFA game. Outrageously, I've heard that "midnight openings" is the term footballers use for women they meet in nightclubs. Seriously, it's insane that people attend these things. Maybe if they want people to actually turn out to vote at the next election, they should make it happen at midnight and give every voter a free copy of Clegg & Cable: Coalition Carnage, a game where Nick Clegg and Vince Cable run amok through Westminster with chainsaws, while lamenting the fact that their spinelessness made it more difficult for the NHS to sew any heads back on.

Dead or Alive 5. Have you seen this thing? Apparently this game is known for its simulation of the bounce of women's breasts. The guys who make this trash call it "Boob Physics", which sounds like a 15-year-old's dream of an ideal class on his new school timetable. Can you believe that human progress has led us here? We killed our fellow man in a thousand wars, we sent dogs into space, and we split the atom - all so that one day we could see a weird, glassy-eyed cartoon's breast jiggle in real-time. The only time a guy who buys this game will ever see some breasts bounce in the real world is right after he sees his mother kick her own stool away with a noose around her neck because she saw this game on the shelf.

Hey - if we can find a screenshot of this with the swimsuits or something, I could work in a nice gag about gamers being virgins, or something to do with being "wet".

Yeah, so what else is going down? Ah yeah. The Wii U is coming soon. When they told me that it's coming with a pad, I assumed they meant some kind of pantyliner for the weird wet-the-beds who'll be buying it. What kind of name is Wii U anyway? It sounds like a German fetish magazine. Apparently a big feature of the Wii U will be wildly asymmetrical gameplay, which is perfect, because most of those weird Nintendo fans have wildly asymmetrical faces.

So, Peter Molyneux's new project is about gamers chipping away at a giant mysterious cube to try to find out what's inside. It's a really clever idea to make a game about the audience's struggle to lose their virginity. For real, though - wouldn't it be cool if the thing on the inside of the cube was a Polaroid photo of Peter Molyneux drinking cocktails on a beach, flipping the bird at the camera? I expect that on the day of his death Molyneux will announce that he himself was a living game that we were all playing, and that we've all just reached the end. That's when he'll transform into a baby and challenge us all to try again at a harder difficulty level.

I've got a lot of Molyneux stuff that we couldn't use on Mock The Week. I could send that over. Let me know.

Shigeru Miyamoto recently explained the Bowser family tree. It felt like watching an episode of Who Do You Think You Are while on hallucinogenic drugs. "Hey, did you see that Jeremy Clarkson episode of Who Do You Think You Are? It turns out his grandmother was a Boo and his great-grandfather was Dr Robotnik." We all love Miyamoto, but let's be honest... If he was just a postal worker in Bolton we would have had him sectioned under the Mental Health Act years ago.

  • Hi, man. A few concerns here with the material. It all seems really quite dark and negative. There are a lot of attacks on gamers, and since the review will be playing to a gamer audience, I don't think that will really fly. Can we soften some of the "weirdo" and "virgin" stuff? Also, the general tone is pretty bleak overall. Suicides, chainsaw rampages, drugs, fetishes... I don't think it's really necessary to push it in that direction. Thanks. M.
  • Got your notes. I appreciate your concern, but not being a gamer myself, I'm just trying to work up these gags from the stuff I'm seeing out there in front of me. I spent the whole of the last week checking out gaming forums and websites, and following gamers on Twitter. So, in truth, I'm just reflecting the TONE that is out there. Adding to the conversation, as it were. Thanks. J.
  • J, I can't go out there with a review with a tone like this. I'm not a gamer either, but from what I know of gamers they'd probably enjoy a more silly "kiddy" take on some gags. Nothing too complex. Just some nice puns with lots of references. It's not a hugely sophisticated audience, so I don't think we need to add to any "conversation", or whatever it was you said there. Thanks. M.
  • M, with respect, I think you have a dated view on what the audience for your review is. Looking at the actual evidence, which I DID (again, I'm not a gamer myself, so research was my friend here), I can see a landscape steeped in violence and sexism and cynicism. Certainly not this fun, "kiddy" thing you're talking about. But I dunno, man. It's your gig. I'm just the writer.
  • J, I appreciate that. But can we just have some jokes about joysticks waggling and stuff? You know the drill. Some of that [That's Enough - Ed] stuff would be really funny too. M.
  • Sure, man. You're paying the day rate. Whatever you want. J.

Read this next

seductrice.net
universo-virtual.com
buytrendz.net
thisforall.net
benchpressgains.com
qthzb.com
mindhunter9.com
dwjqp1.com
secure-signup.net
ahaayy.com
tressesindia.com
puresybian.com
krpano-chs.com
cre8workshop.com
hdkino.org
peixun021.com
qz786.com
utahperformingartscenter.org
worldqrmconference.com
shangyuwh.com
eejssdfsdfdfjsd.com
playminecraftfreeonline.com
trekvietnamtour.com
your-business-articles.com
essaywritingservice10.com
hindusamaaj.com
joggingvideo.com
wandercoups.com
wormblaster.net
tongchengchuyange0004.com
internetknowing.com
breachurch.com
peachesnginburlesque.com
dataarchitectoo.com
clientfunnelformula.com
30pps.com
cherylroll.com
ks2252.com
prowp.net
webmanicura.com
sofietsshotel.com
facetorch.com
nylawyerreview.com
apapromotions.com
shareparelli.com
goeaglepointe.com
thegreenmanpubphuket.com
karotorossian.com
publicsensor.com
taiwandefence.com
epcsur.com
southstills.com
tvtv98.com
thewellington-hotel.com
bccaipiao.com
colectoresindustrialesgs.com
shenanddcg.com
capriartfilmfestival.com
replicabreitlingsale.com
thaiamarinnewtoncorner.com
gkmcww.com
mbnkbj.com
andrewbrennandesign.com
cod54.com
luobinzhang.com
faithfirst.net
zjyc28.com
tongchengjinyeyouyue0004.com
nhuan6.com
kftz5k.com
oldgardensflowers.com
lightupthefloor.com
bahamamamas-stjohns.com
ly2818.com
905onthebay.com
fonemenu.com
notanothermovie.com
ukrainehighclassescort.com
meincmagazine.com
av-5858.com
yallerdawg.com
donkeythemovie.com
corporatehospitalitygroup.com
boboyy88.com
miteinander-lernen.com
dannayconsulting.com
officialtomsshoesoutletstore.com
forsale-amoxil-amoxicillin.net
generictadalafil-canada.net
guitarlessonseastlondon.com
lesliesrestaurants.com
mattyno9.com
nri-homeloans.com
rtgvisas-qatar.com
salbutamolventolinonline.net
sportsinjuries.info
wedsna.com
rgkntk.com
bkkmarketplace.com
zxqcwx.com
breakupprogram.com
boxcardc.com
unblockyoutubeindonesia.com
fabulousbookmark.com
beat-the.com
guatemala-sailfishing-vacations-charters.com
magie-marketing.com
kingstonliteracy.com
guitaraffinity.com
eurelookinggoodapparel.com
howtolosecheekfat.net
marioncma.org
oliviadavismusic.com
shantelcampbellrealestate.com
shopleborn13.com
topindiafree.com
v-visitors.net
djjky.com
053hh.com
originbluei.com
baucishotel.com
33kkn.com
intrinsiqresearch.com
mariaescort-kiev.com
mymaguk.com
sponsored4u.com
crimsonclass.com
bataillenavale.com
searchtile.com
ze-stribrnych-struh.com
zenithalhype.com
modalpkv.com
bouisset-lafforgue.com
useupload.com
37r.net
autoankauf-muenster.com
bantinbongda.net
bilgius.com
brabustermagazine.com
indigrow.org
miicrosofts.net
mysmiletravel.com
selinasims.com
spellcubesapp.com
usa-faction.com
hypoallergenicdogsnames.com
dailyupdatez.com
foodphotographyreviews.com
cricutcom-setup.com
chprowebdesign.com
katyrealty-kanepa.com
tasramar.com
bilgipinari.org
four-am.com
indiarepublicday.com
inquick-enbooks.com
iracmpi.com
kakaschoenen.com
lsm99flash.com
nana1255.com
ngen-niagara.com
technwzs.com
virtualonlinecasino1345.com
wallpapertop.net
casino-natali.com
iprofit-internet.com
denochemexicana.com
eventhalfkg.com
medcon-taiwan.com
life-himawari.com
myriamshomes.com
nightmarevue.com
healthandfitnesslives.com
androidnews-jp.com
allstarsru.com
bestofthebuckeyestate.com
bestofthefirststate.com
bestwireless7.com
britsmile.com
declarationintermittent.com
findhereall.com
jingyou888.com
lsm99deal.com
lsm99galaxy.com
moozatech.com
nuagh.com
patliyo.com
philomenamagikz.net
rckouba.net
saturnunipessoallda.com
tallahasseefrolics.com
thematurehardcore.net
totalenvironment-inthatquietearth.com
velislavakaymakanova.com
vermontenergetic.com
kakakpintar.com
begorgeouslady.com
1800birks4u.com
2wheelstogo.com
6strip4you.com
bigdata-world.net
emailandco.net
gacapal.com
jharpost.com
krishnaastro.com
lsm99credit.com
mascalzonicampani.com
sitemapxml.org
thecityslums.net
topagh.com
flairnetwebdesign.com
rajasthancarservices.com
bangkaeair.com
beneventocoupon.com
noternet.org
oqtive.com
smilebrightrx.com
decollage-etiquette.com
1millionbestdownloads.com
7658.info
bidbass.com
devlopworldtech.com
digitalmarketingrajkot.com
fluginfo.net
naqlafshk.com
passion-decouverte.com
playsirius.com
spacceleratorintl.com
stikyballs.com
top10way.com
yokidsyogurt.com
zszyhl.com
16firthcrescent.com
abogadolaboralistamd.com
apk2wap.com
aromacremeria.com
banparacard.com
bosmanraws.com
businessproviderblog.com
caltonosa.com
calvaryrevivalchurch.org
chastenedsoulwithabrokenheart.com
cheminotsgardcevennes.com
cooksspot.com
cqxzpt.com
deesywig.com
deltacartoonmaps.com
despixelsetdeshommes.com
duocoracaobrasileiro.com
fareshopbd.com
goodpainspills.com
hemendekor.com
kobisitecdn.com
makaigoods.com
mgs1454.com
piccadillyresidences.com
radiolaondafresca.com
rubendorf.com
searchengineimprov.com
sellmyhrvahome.com
shugahouseessentials.com
sonihullquad.com
subtractkilos.com
valeriekelmansky.com
vipasdigitalmarketing.com
voolivrerj.com
zeelonggroup.com
1015southrockhill.com
10x10b.com
111-online-casinos.com
191cb.com
3665arpentunitd.com
aitesonics.com
bag-shokunin.com
brightotech.com
communication-digitale-services.com
covoakland.org
dariaprimapack.com
freefortniteaccountss.com
gatebizglobal.com
global1entertainmentnews.com
greatytene.com
hiroshiwakita.com
iktodaypk.com
jahatsakong.com
meadowbrookgolfgroup.com
newsbharati.net
platinumstudiosdesign.com
slotxogamesplay.com
strikestaruk.com
trucosdefortnite.com
ufabetrune.com
weddedtowhitmore.com
12940brycecanyonunitb.com
1311dietrichoaks.com
2monarchtraceunit303.com
601legendhill.com
850elaine.com
adieusolasomade.com
andora-ke.com
bestslotxogames.com
cannagomcallen.com
endlesslyhot.com
iestpjva.com
ouqprint.com
pwmaplefest.com
qtylmr.com
rb88betting.com
buscadogues.com
1007macfm.com
born-wild.com
growthinvests.com
promocode-casino.com
proyectogalgoargentina.com
wbthompson-art.com
whitemountainwheels.com
7thavehvl.com
developmethis.com
funkydogbowties.com
travelodgegrandjunction.com
gao-town.com
globalmarketsuite.com
blogshippo.com
hdbka.com
proboards67.com
outletonline-michaelkors.com
kalkis-research.com
thuthuatit.net
buckcash.com
hollistercanada.com
docterror.com
asadart.com
vmayke.org
erwincomputers.com
dirimart.org
okkii.com
loteriasdecehegin.com
mountanalog.com
healingtaobritain.com
ttxmonitor.com
nwordpress.com
11bolabonanza.com