eFootball's patch notes are a thing of horrifying beauty

Konami released eFootball's first patch today following its disastrous launch - and it shows why the game should never have been released in the first place.

v0.9.1 is now available for eFootball on PC, PlayStation and Xbox, and Konami has published the patch notes. They make for remarkable, sometimes hilarious, sometimes horrifying reading.

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There is a long list of fixes for some of the bugs players reported - and Eurogamer highlighted - when eFootball launched. For example, there's this one:

• Some players are shown as a floating suit, or disappear entirely, in the pre-match cutscene.

eFootball's pre-match cutscenes clearly had a lot of problems. There's a fix for this gem:

• Pitch grass is not shown three-dimensionally during the pre-match cutscene.

And I really want to know about the "erroneous image" Konami mentions it has stamped out:

• Some advertisement boards located around the pitch may display an erroneous image.

The further we get into the patch notes, the more nightmarish eFootball becomes:

• The referee may be shown as being trapped on the surface of the pitch during a match.
• Players (aside from the set piece taker) may run through the advertisement boards and out of the field during a corner kick.
• The set piece taker may grab the ball in his hands when he is about to kick it during a corner kick.

This next problem only occurred when controlling Timo Werner (this is a joke):

• The player may miss the ball completely when attempting to shoot.

eFootball needed some goalline technology:

• If the ball is cleared just as it crosses over the goal line into the goal, it may incorrectly be judged as not having gone in.

The nightmare continues:

• Some players may suddenly disappear during a match.
• The referee and players may start gliding around when idling before kick off.
• Players may get caught up in the goal net when performing a goal celebration close to the goal.

eFootball was lambasted for its hilarious player faces. In fact, the game went viral for it, as images of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo contorting their mouths in unspeakable ways were shared across social media.

So, we have a fix for this:

• A facial animation bug may cause player expressions to appear unnatural.

I just love the matter of fact language in these patch notes:

• Player's graphics may fail to show properly, making their appearance look strange.
• Some players may be shown gliding on the ground during a replay. This movement is different from the actual motion that occurred during the match.

The patch notes end with a separate list of improvements made to certain issues, but Konami warns they may still happen occasionally, which is a bit worrying. Konami adds it's developing fixes for these issues right now, but, as the company says, they may still pop up.

And it's this list of issues that I think is my favourite of all. I'm just going to pop them below without comment. They speak for themselves:

• Some players may be shown gliding on the ground during a match.
• Players may run in a strange fashion during the goal celebration.
• Player models may be distorted and their movements may feel unnatural when they collide with each other.
• Fouls may not be given out to some plays that were clearly fouls.
• The ball may pass through a player's body during a match.
• The responsiveness to command inputs may become slower during matches.
• The speed of the ball and player movement may decrease during matches.

This morning, Konami took the drastic decision to delay eFootball's proper launch to next year. It's also pulled eFootball's controversial premium player pack from sale, with all pre-orders automatically refunded.

Reading these patch notes, it's easy to understand why. If for some reason you're still playing eFootball, stay safe out there!